


When the Stars Threw Down Their Spears

by cnidarian



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: AU, Angst, F/M, Het, Miscarriage, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-02
Updated: 2008-02-02
Packaged: 2017-10-06 08:38:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cnidarian/pseuds/cnidarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The cost of second chances.</p><p>Warning: adult issues - miscarriage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When the Stars Threw Down Their Spears

In the blessed quiet of the infirmary, Daniel heard the swish of the curtains and the soft clip of heels.

"She's sleeping," Janet whispered as she passed him, disappearing into her office.

It had been another exciting day at the SGC, with SG-1 calling in from P3X-485 not an hour after their departure, requesting a med-team. An hour after that found them returning through the gate in a little procession – first Jack; then Janet and the medics with a stretchered villager and her infected leg; then Daniel, his arms full of squirming infant; and finally Sam and Teal'c bringing up the rear.

Seeing the child, General Hammond had raised his eyebrows in question. Daniel had hastily explained how the inhabitants of -485 were part nomadic and in summer the men took their herds up into the mountains, leaving their families behind. He'd begun describing how the woman had deeply gashed her leg days ago and had point-blank refused to be taken anywhere without her son, getting quite agitated, until Janet had thrown Jack a look prompting him to deposit the child in Daniel's arms just to get things moving…but by that point Hammond had cut him off with a weary, "Alright son."

In the initial flurry of activity, everyone else seemed to have a job to do, so Daniel had kept hold of the boy. He'd discovered very quickly that things went a lot smoother if he stood in the infirmary, out of the way, in a position where mother and child could both see each other. That had been hours ago. Now the only people left standing in the infirmary were he and Janet.

One of the nurses had conjured a cot from somewhere and Daniel was considering how best to transfer the boy when he noticed Janet watching him from the doorway to her office. He realised he was swaying slightly, rocking from foot to foot. He grinned sheepishly. She smiled back but it wasn't enough to hide the odd wistful expression that flitted across her features. Daniel frowned. She came over quietly and stopped in front of him, peering at the sleeping bundle in his arms.

"Hello, little one," she whispered and Daniel realised that with all the concern for the woman, Janet hadn't seen the child properly yet.

"Why do babies have such long eyelashes?" he whispered as she took in the mop of dark hair and the tiny nose.

Janet huffed a laugh, lifting her gaze to meet his eyes. He smiled softly and she looked away, biting her lip.

"Jan?" he began, but she was already reaching up to gently extricate him, freeing a fistful of shirt by slowly peeling back tiny fingers. The boy snuffled and they both froze. After a moment Daniel let out the breath he was holding, sharing a self-depreciating smile with Janet as he heard her do the same.

"They should be ok to go home by the end of the week," Janet said in hushed tones as Daniel carefully finished laying the boy down.

"Good." Daniel fussed with the blanket, tucking it in. "Speaking of home, you ready to go as soon as Doctor Carmichael gets here?"

There was no reply. He straightened up and turned to find Janet gazing at the boy.

"Hey," he said softly, squeezing her arm. "You ok?"

She blinked, coming out of her daze. "Yeah. Just…"

He ducked his head, brushing his lips against her temple. "What?" he murmured into her hair.

"…thinking," she finished.

The sound of footsteps out in the corridor drew his attention and Janet moved away to greet Doctor Carmichael. By the time Daniel had been to get his things from his office and Janet had finished explaining the situation to Carmichael, Daniel had mentally filed the incident away in the "things to discuss at home" folder.

As such things often went, lack of time meant it wasn't discussed and he'd almost forgotten all about it until several days later.

Janet had spent the evening quiet and distant and when they'd gone to bed she'd just curled up on her side and gone to sleep.

"Daniel?"

Or not.

"Mmm?"

She turned over but didn't cuddle up close as she would usually, regarding him pensively instead.

Then he remembered.

She hesitated for a long moment. He watched her twisting her fingers together and listened to her breathe.

A deep breath. "I want to try for a baby."

Ah. He supposed he should have seen that coming.

He reached out to stroke her cheek, trying to smooth away the apprehension that lined her face.

"OK," he said, taking one of her hands and kissing the palm.

Her expression transformed into a radiant smile. Was she so worried that he'd say no?

"I thought I was just being broody, and I guess I am, having a baby in close proximity," she said in one breath. "Or maybe it was just my biological alarm clock going off, but then I realised that I really—"

She stopped. "I'm babbling, aren't I?"

He was trying not to smile, he really was. He tugged her to him, wrapping his arms around her. "Maybe a little bit."

"You must be rubbing off on me after all these years," she teased. Then she pulled back, suddenly serious. "I really want this."

"I'll see what I can do, M'lady," he intoned, inclining his head as best he could while lying down, and his heart sang to the sound of her laughter.

~~~~~  
_4 months later_

"Does Cassie know yet?" Sam asked around a mouthful of salad. They were sitting in his office after Sam had appeared with two plates, muttering something about wanting to eat in peace. The rumour mill was working overtime.

Daniel waited until he'd finished chewing before replying. "Yeah, Janet called her on Thursday night. I believe there was a fair amount of glee involved." He grinned. "We decided to leave it a few days – get used to the idea ourselves first. It's been five days and it still hasn't quite sunk in yet. I didn't really expect it to happen so fast. Janet said it's something to do with women over forty getting a 'final spurt of increased fertility'."

Sam pushed her food around with her fork. "You know, when she first mentioned it to me, I thought it was just a case of 'see baby, want baby'. Everyone on base was cooing over the little guy. I didn't think it would prompt anyone to actually go and _have_ a baby," Sam said, eyes creasing in a smile. The whole of SG-1 had been over the moon when they'd found out.

"It's become a bit of a joke – apparently there's a similar response in the natural world called the Fraser Darling Effect. Needless to say, Cass finds that vastly amusing." As would Jack, if he ever got wind of it.

"I won't breathe a word," Sam assured, reading his mind. "Have you—"

The phone shrilled from his desk, cutting her off. He threw her an apologetic look and answered it.

"Daniel?"

Speak of the devil…

"Jack! We were just—"

"Daniel, you need to get to the infirmary." The urgency in Jack's voice made his heart lurch.

"Janet?" Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sam jump to her feet.

"Daniel, just move." Jack hung up.

_Oh God. Please let it be ok. A false alarm, anything._

A nurse met him just inside the doors, but his eyes instantly found Janet over her shoulder. All his hopes fled. She was pale, looking as small as he'd ever seen her.

Doctor Carmichael approached, talking of cramping and distress, but all Daniel really heard beyond the buzzing in his ears was the word "miscarriage".

He pushed past Carmichael. To their credit, everyone in the room kept their distance, giving the two of them space. As he approached the bed Janet looked up, eyes luminous with unshed tears. _Oh, sweetheart._

He didn't know what to say, couldn't speak through the lump in his throat. Their five days of joy seemed a lifetime ago.

"I'm sorry," she whispered and his heart nearly broke in two.

He reached for her hand, offering what comfort he could. It didn't seem like nearly enough and, as she closed her eyes and he watched a tear escape down her cheek, he'd never felt so helpless.

He stayed there, holding her hand as she pressed her face into the crook of his arm, until someone softly cleared their throat behind him. It was Doctor Carmichael indicating that he wanted a word.

"We're going to keep her here for the rest of the day. I'm afraid miscarriages can be gradual, so there's nothing we can do except leave it to run its course." Carmichael hesitated. "I know this won't sound like much of a consolation right now, but it's a fairly common occurrence, especially as early as seven weeks. It's nothing to worry about and there's no reason why you can't try again in two months time."

Daniel nodded mutely.

~~~~~

He eventually found his voice a couple of hours later, but it took nearly three weeks to coax a smile out of Janet.

He watched as his wife slowly came back to life. He read up, faintly alarmed to find that coffee increased the risk of miscarriage, though it did explain why Janet had stopped drinking it months ago. He weaned himself off it, too, not so much because his drinking it added to the risk, but to make it easier for her. She noticed, gratefully commenting on how kissing him didn't give her cravings anymore.

Cassie came to visit for a weekend, providing a welcome distraction, especially when she and Janet threw themselves into their favourite shared activity and cooked a huge meal for all of SG-1. Watching them move in perfectly choreographed sync around the kitchen, Daniel felt positive they'd be alright.

The weeks passed and things returned to normal. On base, conversations no longer stopped whenever he entered a room. Janet could join him for lunch in the commissary without being on the receiving end of half a dozen pitying glances. At home, laughter was heard once again and solemn silences became rare.

Daniel was drying the dishes one evening when he felt arms wrap around his torso and a small body plaster itself to his back. He turned around in Janet's embrace.

"Two months," she said simply.

"Mm-hmm." He'd been counting too.

Her eyes twinkled with mischief as she kicked out of her shoes. He leant down to capture her lips with his own, delighting at her contented hum. She took his hand, led him to their room, and he didn't resist when she pushed him back against the door and slipped her hands under his shirt.

~~~~~

They didn't have to wait long. Daniel, returning home from a mission, only managed two steps inside before Janet flung her arms around his neck.

"Blue," was all she could say; all she needed to. Evidently, they didn't have a problem conceiving. Janet joked about it, teasing him. "It's incredible, like all I need to do is look at you and I get pregnant!"

They decided to keep it secret, as if speaking of it would scare the tiny life away. Jack had been supportive in those terrible weeks after the miscarriage, but it had obviously affected him. Daniel had no desire to put him through that again.

So they kept quiet – just the two of them, hoping and praying and exchanging fleeting looks when they passed in the corridors of the SGC. They perfected the art of talking through meaningful glances. "_Everything alright?_" and "_Yes, stop clucking…_"

He watched her as she slept, full of wonder at the life growing inside her, trying to imagine little limbs starting to form as their OB/GYN, Doctor Adey, had described.

During one of their checkups, Doctor Adey had explained how she wanted to perform an amniocentesis as soon as possible to check the amniotic fluid for abnormalities. Janet listened very calmly while Daniel had to breathe carefully through his nose, visualising a needle being driven so close to their developing child. Janet assured him that the test would only happen if the ultrasound – set for the eleventh week – had shown there was enough space.

As the ultrasound date approached, Daniel got more and more restless. What if the test wasn't even necessary? What if the ultrasound revealed something was wrong?

Janet soothed him with soft words and cups of chamomile tea, stroking his forehead as they lay on the couch, his cheek resting against her stomach.

His fears were unfounded. A beaming Doctor Adey congratulated them on a "perfect ultrasound" and the rush of relief was so strong that Daniel felt momentarily light-headed. As she went on to explain how she expected Janet to be ready for the amnio in three weeks time, Daniel tried to make sense of the confusing arch of static on the monitor in front of him. It took a few moments but then…a head, a beating heart, tiny hands and feet… He felt his eyes sting as a wave of emotion washed over him. A life they had made. He was a father.

~~~~~

It was difficult to act normal when he got back to work. Nonchalant just wasn't in his vocabulary anymore. Teal'c noticed first, hanging back after a briefing and giving him The Eyebrow.

"You appear…agitated, Daniel Jackson. Is Doctor Fraiser unwell?"

"No, everything's fine." Daniel hesitated. He didn't see the harm – Teal'c would keep the news in the strictest confidence and, besides, Janet would be starting to show soon. "We didn't want to announce it until, until we were sure, but…Janet is pregnant again."

Teal'c's lips pulled back in a full-blown Jaffa smile. "This is good news, indeed, my friend. I offer you both continued good fortune." He clasped Daniel's arm firmly, surprising him by moving forward into a hug. Momentarily speechless, Daniel could only return Teal'c's nod.

Afterwards, he took a detour via the infirmary, but Janet wasn't there. When he got back to his office, he found her waiting for him, perched on his desk amid the clutter.

"Room service," she announced with a chirp, brandishing a sandwich. "If you promise to tip well, I might even tidy up a bit." She eyed the haphazard piles of papers.

"Organised chaos." He moved a dictaphone off his chair and sat down.

She snorted. "I used to believe that, before I started living in the same house as you."

He blinked innocently and took a bite of his sandwich.

Something was very wrong.

"Auuggh!!"

"Daniel!"

He lunged for the garbage can and spat out his mouthful. "Oh, sweet Jesus! That's disgusting!"

"Whoops, wrong way around! That's mine," Janet said, stating the obvious. Who, besides a pregnant woman, would dream of eating ham with _peanut butter_?

He took a gulp of water. "Ugh!"

"Sorry," she apologised.

He regarded her for a moment. "Can I ask how you managed to persuade the commissary staff to make that abomination for you?"

"I didn't. That'd be a bit of a giveaway, don't you think?" She shrugged. "I added the peanut butter myself. I keep a jar in my desk."

"Huh," he nodded and warily sniffed the other sandwich. "So, how's your morning been?"

"Well…" she began. "Uneventful, mostly. But th—"

The phone rang and she instantly looked shifty.

"Dr. Jackson," he said into the receiver.

"Hey Daniel," Sam replied, sounding slightly breathless. "Are you busy?"

"Sam, hi. Er, no, I'm not busy." _Just entertaining a mad pregnant lady…_ Janet was waving her arms frantically and mouthing something at him.

"Janet told me. Congratulations! I'm going to be held up here for a bit longer, but then I'll drop by and…well, I can't stop smiling, Daniel! I'm so happy for you both!"

"Oh." That explained the flapping. "Thanks. We're pretty pleased about it ourselves. I'll be here whenever…" he trailed off.

"Ok, I'll see you later."

"I told Sam," Janet confessed, as he hung up.

"So I gather." His lips twitched in a smile.

"You don't mind?" she asked.

He shook his head. "Teal'c knows. As of…about fifteen minutes ago."

"And here I was, feeling guilty…" Her smile faded. "We have to tell him."

She didn't need to say who. They were both aware of how recent events had opened up old wounds, but now that the others knew, Jack was going to find out one way or the other. He deserved to hear it from them. Daniel just wasn't sure what to say.

As it was, he didn't have to say anything. They were at Jack's house three days later, watching Sam and Teal'c playing foosball. Daniel was laughing at how seriously Teal'c was taking it when Jack came up behind them and whispered to Janet.

"You look radiant, Doc." They turned around as he gave a lopsided smile and winked. "When were you planning on telling me?"

Daniel gaped until Jack told him to stop catching flies, while Janet blushed and explained that they'd been meaning to tell him that morning, but the opportunity hadn't presented itself.

"Those two…?" Jack gestured over Daniel's shoulder toward the sound of a rebounding ball.

Daniel nodded, adding, "Only since Thursday."

"And how far along are you?"

Daniel felt Janet slip her hand into his. "Twelve weeks."

Jack straightened. "Well in that case…" He raised his voice, "I believe this calls for a toast! Carter, grab some glasses." He turned to Janet with a mock-flourish. "For you, Madame, a choice of fruit juices. Right this way."

"That was easy," Janet whispered to Daniel as she let herself be led away. They exchanged an amused glance before she disappeared into the kitchen after Sam.

_Yeah_. Daniel watched Teal'c carefully aligning the plastic score tabs and tried to shake the feeling that this bubble of happiness couldn't last.

~~~~~

Daniel dreamt of his arm in a vice-like grip while someone cried out in pain and fear, the smell of iron heavy in his nostrils and a sticky sensation against his knees.

_No, no!_ His terror was so thick it was like trying to surface though viscous water. A swing of his free arm brought a flood of blinding light, illuminating deep red on white. He choked, unable to inhale enough to scream himself awake.

_Wake up!_

"Daniel!!" came a jagged cry.

No. He _was_ awake.

~~~~~

When he spoke to Sam – he couldn't bring himself to ask for Jack – he found he could only manage one-word answers.

"Daniel! Where are you? The briefing with Major Davis starts in ten minutes."

"Hospital." He felt hollow, everything scraped out leaving him an empty shell, so he wasn't surprised to find his voice sounded hollow too.

"Why? What's happened?" Sam demanded.

"It's—" he choked, swallowing his tears. "Again."

"The baby?" Sam whispered, as if hope were just hiding; as if they could coax it back out with quiet words.

"Gone."

The monosyllabic finality of the word made him feel something for the first time – a wave of rage, a desire to put his fist through the nearest wall.

He had seen its heart beating, seen little digits and scrunched-up features, and now it was _gone_.

All gone.

~~~~~

General Hammond gave him time off but by the end of the first week, Daniel wished he could go in just to get out of the house. Grief hung heavy in the air and Janet barely got out of bed.

A meeting with Doctor Adey had resulted in a rift between them that he just couldn't fix by himself, not while also battling his own sorrow. The doctor had spoken of how Janet's age could possibly be contributing and how some tests would establish that. Otherwise, she admitted, she really couldn't see a physical reason for them not to try again.

Daniel had been in a bitter mood, a small part of him wanting to add, "What, again again?"

Emotional reasons were a different matter. This miscarriage – or "spontaneous abortion" as Adey referred to it this time, in a way that made him vaguely want to strangle her – had been more serious for Janet. At the hospital, the doctor that came to see him informed him that she'd lost a lot of blood, as if he'd failed to notice during the anxious wait for the ambulance. While it hadn't been life threatening, he was adamant he would never touch her again if it meant sparing her the ordeal a third time.

Janet, ever the optimist, always the one fighting the hardest when it came to a life, latched onto Doctor Adey's words and set her mouth in a stubborn line.

To begin with she argued that it was her body ("And you're my wife!" he had snapped back, tired and selfish) but then her indignant anger had turned to despairing tears and, feeling like a heel, he forgot his own pain and pulled her into his arms.

"Shh…" he soothed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" He held her until her hiccups subsided. "It's your decision. Whatever happens, you have my support and my love and…" And he was _not_ going to cry.

She sniffled. "I can't make this decision alone."

"Alright." Really, he supposed he knew how this would end, right from the very start. "We try again."

There were no smiles, no happy hugs. Hadn't this been a joyful decision, once?

~~~~~

"We've scheduled you for a procedure called a D&amp;C, which stands for dilation and curettage."

Janet's face remained impassive, Daniel internally wincing enough for the both of them.

"You'll be under general anaesthetic," Doctor Adey continued. "We'll perform a hysteroscopy first and then take a tissue sample for testing as part of the D&amp;C. The results of both will alert us to any abnormalities."

Daniel wasn't entirely sure what a hysteroscopy involved, but a squeeze from Janet's hand told him what he already knew; she would go over it with him at home, where he could question each and every little thing to his heart's content.

On the day of the appointment, Daniel was told what time she would need a lift home and then she was whisked away and he was left alone with his thoughts. He drove aimlessly until he found himself standing in Teal'c's quarters, surrounded by candles. They didn't talk much, but Daniel took comfort from Teal'c's solid reassuring presence.

Janet was quiet on the trip home. Apparently, the hysteroscopy had shown nothing wrong and now it was only a matter of waiting for the results of the tissue sample. Waiting was always the worst, they'd both brood and the tension would mount. After a near-argument over nothing at all, they decided to make an effort to bring back the easy, happy relationship they used to take for granted. They went for walks together, enjoyed relaxing baths, and the old playfulness returned.

He took the phone call when it came. Janet hovered, picking up on his instant nervousness. He flicked to speakerphone and held his breath.

All clear. Everything fine. They were, as Doctor Adey put it, "good to go" once the two months were up. She'd obviously cottoned on to the fact that they worked for the military.

Janet locked eyes with him and they exchanged a tentative smile. _Once more with feeling._

~~~~~

It was more than just once and there was no lack of feeling. There weren't any of the issues experienced by couples with fertility problems – trying again and again until sex became a chore. There was still the drive to make a baby, obviously, but as before, that was not something they struggled with. They could enjoy making love as much as they ever had, not worrying about optimum dates and positions. He still walked in on Janet lying on her back with her legs above her, heels against the wall, using gravity to assist the process. She then spent the rest of the evening defending her belief in such an old wife's tale.

When the test showed up positive, Janet declared that it must have been the particularly decadent Saturday they'd spent entirely in bed and mostly naked. Daniel was inclined to agree, the memory prompting him to carefully carry her, giggling, into their room for a celebratory encore.

"Third time's the charm," Janet murmured afterwards as she curled into him and fell asleep.

Daniel remained awake, shifting carefully down to her tummy to whisper entreaties to stay in 28 languages.

~~~~~

It seemed to work and Daniel became almost superstitious about it, murmuring to Janet's tummy whenever he got the chance. Janet laughed, reminding him that it couldn't hear him yet.

The weeks crept by until they were approaching the eleven-week ultrasound. The wonder was just as strong the second time, watching the image stir and an arm twitch.

Weeks twelve and thirteen were like walking on eggshells, with Janet taking extra care and Daniel trying his best not to fuss. During the fourteenth week Cassie came home, so the day before the amnio Daniel gave them some girl-bonding time and headed over to Jack's armed with their latest ultrasound image.

Jack took one look at it and disappeared into the kitchen, returning with beer. Daniel confided that he was scared about the impending test, scared about the actual procedure and terrified about the results. Jack said nothing for a while and then started telling him about when Sara was pregnant with Charlie and how nervous he had been. His years in the military had not prepared him for an observing role and the helpless feelings that came with it. Daniel felt grateful Janet was a doctor with both the understanding of the science and the patience necessary to explain it to him.

Daniel was all fingers and thumbs the morning of the amniocentesis. It took him three attempts to button his shirt, and he was still struggling with his sweatshirt as they left the house.

"Hon?"

He looked up at the sound of Janet's voice.

"Backwards," she said, indicating the label sticking out under his chin.

He flashed her an embarrassed grin and she rolled her eyes fondly.

The amnio went smoothly and then it was back to the waiting. They were told the results in person at the hospital, rather than over the phone. Doctor Adey warned them that the results were only preliminary, causing Daniel to sit up in alarm. Both women reached to assure him, Janet with a hand on his arm and the doctor with the revelation that the initial tests had given no cause for concern. This wasn't quite the comfort he had hoped for, since there hadn't been any reason to suspect a problem the last time either, but he was happy to take whatever he could and Janet's palpable relief more than made up for it.

"Ok. Now, would you like to know the sex?"

Daniel looked to Janet, her lips pressed together. She nodded slightly, in a way that told him she was ok if he didn't want to know.

"Uh, yes please," he turned back to Doctor Adey, heart thudding in his chest.

The doctor smiled. "Alright. It's a girl. Congratulations!"

Tears sprang to his eyes. A daughter. Janet gave him a huge watery smile and he beamed back, the room splintering into bright shiny pieces.

As soon as they were in the parking lot, Daniel pulled her into a hug, feeling her sag against him. They were over a third of the way there. He kissed her tenderly. She pulled back and gave an irritated sigh.

"You ok?" he asked, on full alert.

"Bathroom," she said simply.

Ah, another delightful side effect. As their daughter grew and put more pressure on her bladder, Janet was needing to go more and more often and half-remembered nighttime interruptions were becoming part of his sleep pattern. Between that and the morning sickness and the tiredness and the promise of backache to come, he was eternally grateful that it wasn't him. It didn't seem fair that he got to appreciate her more positive changes – larger breasts and frequently raging libido – while she had to suffer the rest alone. The exception was the disturbed sleep, which he chose to see as practise for when – _not if_, he thought fiercely, _but when_ – the baby arrived.

As Janet went back inside, Daniel waited in the car and dared to feel optimistic. This time. This time.

The optimism was contagious. It helped that Cassie was around, providing the excuse for everyone to act a little sillier than usual. Summer was approaching and, not needing more of an excuse, Jack organised a barbecue. An impromptu game of basketball was initiated, one of the fairest they'd had in years now that Cass was too big to go on Teal'c's shoulders.

When they sat down to eat, the conversation inevitably came around to talk of the baby.

Cassie had fairly squealed when she got the latest news after their appointment. "A girl?! A sister! Oh poor Daniel, you're going to suffer from oestrogen-overload…"

Sam had hugged them both tightly after a moment of indecision over whom to go for first. Teal'c had offered his congratulations, giving a nod that Daniel knew acknowledged their previous losses and added a silent wish for their daughter's future. Jack, well, Jack had hugged Daniel and reiterated what he'd said when he heard they were pregnant again. Something about Daniel being a virile beast. Janet had made a face at Jack then, so he made sure she was out of earshot the second time.

"So, thought of any names?" Sam enquired, pulling the dressing out of Jack's reach. Jack threw her a scowl and then turned to them with interest.

"Eva," Janet replied straight away. They had discussed this.

All eyes turned to him, apparently hoping for some kind of dissent. He nodded.

"Eva Claire Jackson," he confirmed. After her grandmother.

Sam tried it out on her tongue. "Nice," she declared. Daniel thought so too.

The conversation meandered into other territory. Janet whispered something to Jack and, when he nodded, took herself inside. She returned with a bowl and proceeded to eat straight from it.

"Eww, Mom…" Cassie leant over and wrinkled her nose. "At least heat it up!"

"Er, don't you want to eat it _with_ your hotdog?" Jack asked, hesitantly.

"No, thank you. I like it by itself. And cold," Janet replied, gazing adoringly into her bowl. "I've just never seen chili in this light before…"

Jack threw Daniel a concerned look. _My wife and her obsession with cold chili…_ They had cans and cans in the cupboard at home. He remembered the peanut butter and decided it could be worse.

He shrugged back at Jack while Teal'c calmly reached over to pat Sam on the back as she choked with laughter.

~~~~~

He stood in stony silence.

"Daniel, please talk to me." Janet reached for him. He pulled away, refusing to look at her.

"No."

"I had to be sure," she reasoned, but he was too angry, too hurt. Too scared.

"You could have told me. But instead you snuck behind my back," he accused.

"I didn't sneak…"

"You did! When you went back inside to go to the 'bathroom'. I'm not stupid!" He was trying not to shout but it was a losing battle.

Their follow-up meeting with Doctor Adey had begun fine. He was getting better at sitting in waiting rooms and offices, getting used to the smell of the hospital. And he was sure, _sure_ this time that nothing was wrong.

Then Doctor Adey had pressed her hands together in a way Daniel had long ago started to associate with medical professionals. "Sorry for the wait for these results, but the additional tests that your wife requested took a little longer."

_Additional tests?_ He shot Janet a questioning glance. She had her mouth open in an "o" of alarm.

The doctor turned a sheet over. "I'm afraid the genetic testing has shown an unusual chromosomal anomaly."

All movement in the room ceased. Janet, presumably on her way to offer some kind of placatory gesture, froze and Daniel forgot his developing anger.

"What kind of anomaly?" Janet asked in a voice that shook slightly.

"Well, we don't fully know yet. As I said, it's unfamiliar. It might explain why you've been having the problems you have. We're getting a consult with a geneticist. The next step is to take a sample of blood from both of you, and also test your semen, Daniel."

"Why?" he demanded.

"It's just routine," Janet said and he wanted to shake her, stop her being so reasonable.

Needless to say, he'd been too shocked and annoyed to supply that kind of sample, so after giving blood they had driven home in absolute silence. The silence had lasted until Janet's request that he talk to her.

She kept her voice calm and rational. She had known him long enough that she knew to appeal to his rationality. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry. I didn't expect anything to show, and then you wouldn't have known and it would have been—"

"Exactly! I would never have known! I know I said that it was your body and your decision but I didn't mean it. I lied. It's _our_ decision, _our_ baby. Yours and mine and…" he broke off.

_...and something is wrong with her_.

He ran a hand across his eyes, willing the tears away. He had thought he was done crying.

He finally turned to Janet. Her level tone was deceptive. She looked stricken, pale and vulnerable. His anger drained away.

He almost went to her, then, but a small selfish part of him made him stop. He was tired, tired of this emotional rollercoaster, tired of dropping off to sleep worried that he'd wake to find a stillborn child. And he didn't feel ready to forgive her yet.

So, instead, he left.

~~~~~

He turned up at Jack's, looking haggard and miserable enough to cause the older man's face to blanch, fearing the worst. Daniel spilled out the whole tale while Jack listened in silence.

"She was only thinking of you. She knows all that medical stuff," he waggled his fingers in the air to embellish "stuff".

"Yeah, that's what she said…" Daniel sighed.

"And without it, you wouldn't have found out about the chrome thing."

Daniel instantly envisioned a metal baby, shiny and new.

"I think that's the problem, Jack. I've been safe in the knowledge that I was doing everything I was meant to be doing, just fine. I'm blatantly not infertile. And now it turns out it could be me after all. She wants this _so badly_." He didn't mention the fact that he should really be back home with her, helping her through this.

Neither did Jack, though he was obviously thinking it, especially when Daniel asked to stay the night.

Sleeping on guilt was never going to work and he woke feeling brittle and spent.

"Go home, Daniel." Jack was standing in the doorway. "Sam rang. She spent the night there trying to calm Janet down. This isn't her fault, it isn't anyone's. Don't push her away." His bitter experience came through as he spoke and Daniel felt a rush of pain imagining a world where loss tore them apart.

Sam was gone when he got back. Janet was curled in a nest of blankets. He knelt on the mattress and tried to figure out which way she was facing. His first attempt came up with a foot, prompting a squirm and an inadvertent half-giggle. A crack opened in the comforter, revealing a pair of brown eyes.

"I'm sorry." Janet's voice was muffled by the blanket, but he could still detect a nasal tone indicating recent tears.

He sighed, kicking off his shoes, and burrowed in next to her.

"I'm sorry too," he whispered into the nape of her neck.

"The other sample," she ventured. "They are mainly checking for blood abnormalities. If you really don't want to, I guess you don't hav—"

"No it's alright. I can handle it." He hadn't been aiming for innuendo. Oh well.

"Sure? I could lend a hand…" he felt her eyebrows waggle against his arm.

He pressed himself closer to her. They stayed like that for a long time. He breathed her scent and felt himself relaxing.

"I love you," he said softly.

She turned her head to meet his kiss and returned the endearment, whispering it against his lips as if it were a secret. As if she wasn't carrying a bump as evidence.

~~~~~

The bump grew, oblivious to the turmoil around her. The results came back; Janet's blood was clear, but Daniel's showed the anomaly. Still no one could give them answers on the exact nature of the chromosomal abnormality, but Daniel started to get a horrible creeping feeling when Doctor Adey had described it as a translocation mutation, as if it had used to be different and now was all moved around.

When the sperm DNA results came through, Daniel knew. As soon as the doctor incredulously mentioned an enzyme she suspected had never been seen before, he knew.

Janet wasn't far behind.

"Daniel? This isn't your fault." She wouldn't let him out of her sight, seemingly afraid he would take off. He had to admit, it was tempting. "Please, stay here, we'll deal with it together."

"I got a second chance. I got to come back to you and, and this is the price…" It made sense, now that he thought about it. Ascension was hardly genetic, but surely a child of his would be pre-disposed to it, through upbringing if nothing else. So they'd sent him back faulty. _Fucking cowards_, he thought, viciously.

"Don't say that. Never say that. You came back, and that is plenty for me. How many people lose loved ones and never get another minute with them? I get a lifetime. A whole lifetime with you." Janet's eyes shone with tears.

"But I can't give you what you want."

"I take it back. Back to that day in the infirmary, with the boy and me and my stupid feelings." She was almost pleading.

"No you don't," he said softly, without accusation. He went to her, placing his hand on her stomach, feeling the small swelling.

"We tried…" Her voice cracked. "And they aren't certain."

The doctors – they had a fair following of obstetricians and geneticists now, fascinated in their case – had cautiously proposed a "wait-and-see" course of action. As if there was any other way. Losing Eva wasn't guaranteed, just likely.

_Just_.

It was small comfort, but they grabbed it with both hands.

~~~~~

On a Monday evening in the middle of week twenty, lying in bed reading, Daniel felt Janet start.

He made an unintelligible noise of alarm. Was this it?

"Daniel," she whispered and the tone of wonder pulled him up short. "I can feel her."

For a moment he couldn't think what she meant. He could feel her too – a growing bulge that Janet was already using to prop her books on.

"It's like having a really big butterfly in my stomach," Janet said, an introverted expression on her face.

Oh God, she could _feel_ her!

He practically launched himself through the air to rest his hand next to hers.

"Not yet…I'm sorry." Janet was looking at him with an odd mix of tenderness and love, guilt and deep sadness. "She's still too small."

If he could only feel her kicking…

"When?"

"Another six weeks yet." Janet had set her jaw, and he knew what she was thinking.

Something to aim for.

"We'll get there. She's a fighter," Janet looked resolute.

~~~~~

The base was humming with it. It had become apparent weeks ago, but lab coats hid many things and it was only recently that the news became official. General Hammond, though in the know from the start, now had no excuse not to beam at Daniel whenever a situation made it acceptable to do so. Various people, notably Siler, who had nearly decapitated himself in his haste, came to offer congratulations and Janet's office was soon awash with flowers. Mostly fake, due to their shared allergies.

Daniel was on his way to see her, when he caught voices coming out of Janet's office. Sam from the sounds of it.

And tears. He froze, uncomfortable eavesdropping but wanting to hear what had Janet upset. Apart from the obvious. The added strain of having to maintain a joyful mood around well-wishers while feeling internally worried and just wanting to take it easy was getting to Daniel, let alone her.

"—perfectly understandable." Sam was saying.

"But I never used to want this, and then I did, and now I can't make the want go away. I mean, I have Cassie and I have Daniel – why do I need anything more?" Janet said, her voice tremulous. Twenty-two weeks. Too close to give up, too early to hope.

"Because you love him. Because family suits you and Cassie left a hole when she went. Because you two will make _seriously_ beautiful babies…" Daniel imagined that raising a smile.

Janet sighed. "I dream about her. Eva. How she'll have blue eyes to start with, like all babies, but then they'll darken, against all my wishes." A laugh. "And she'll be little and Daniel will affectionately describe her as being, 'small like her Mom'."

"And she'll be smart," Sam added. "Multi-lingual by the age of five."

"With a detailed understanding of quantum physics, though we can never figure out how you get her to sit still long enough." The tears had gone.

"And a vaguely disturbing knowledge of human anatomy. Especially when you get pregnant again…" Sam had lost herself in the fantasy and taken it a little too far.

"No," Janet said firmly. "I'm not doing this again. No matter what happens."

They hadn't really touched on the subject of _afterward_, not properly, but Daniel wasn't surprised. Nor was he cross that she'd made her decision without him.

Over the year since they'd returned from P3X-485, Daniel had turned to Teal'c as an anchor in the storm of ups and downs. He feared the combined grief would be too much with Jack and Jack had likewise kept a distance, though it didn't mean he didn't care. Teal'c understood better than people realised. He'd become a feature of the SGC to the point that no one stopped to think about what had happened prior to his arrival on Earth. Though he never spoke of it, Daniel knew that with the level of healthcare available on a planet such as Chulak, miscarriage was probably a major part of any attempt to have a child.

When they'd gotten the news that Eva was likely to die before she got to full-term, Daniel had ended up breaking down in Teal'c arms, crying like he hadn't done since he was eight years old, exhausted and utterly fed up of having to deal with loss.

Sam had helped Janet through, though when it came to the worst news, she was actually calmer than Cassie, so Sam had comforted the young woman and Jack had stepped up in her place. Jack's stricken expression as Janet sobbed into his chest would stay etched in Daniel's mind forever.

So now, standing in the corridor, he turned away, sure that walking into Janet's office on the verge of tears was not a good idea. He knew exactly where to go. Teal'c let him in and Daniel took up his usual seat in the corner. He started reading, aloud. Teal'c had loved the _Lord of the Rings_ films and Daniel had declared that the books were even better. Daniel found it therapeutic, especially the Elvish, and Teal'c sat in rapt attention during their sessions of "Jaffa-nory Story", as Jack referred to it.

He settled in to read, losing himself in the tale of overcoming impossibilities through love and friendship, and of hoping against hope.

~~~~~

Eva Claire Jackson was born fourteen weeks early, on July 27th at 6.32am. Their tears were of joy as well as pain. Holding her, Daniel felt his heart was going to burst with it all. It was too easy to imagine that she was going to stir and let out a wail and then Janet would be allowed to feed her and then they would take her home. Too easy to imagine that they had years and years and years to watch her grow and learn and laugh.

The service was held on a bright balmy day and they were touched by the sheer number of SGC personnel who arrived. Afterwards, completely drained, the three of them had leaned on one another, Cassie and Janet on either side of Daniel.

He knew they'd get through it, they had to. They had each other and everyone who cared about them. Daniel was determined that no matter how much it hurt, he wasn't going to let it tear them apart. Whenever it all threatened to overwhelm him, he would look to the words written in a card from Janet's parents.

_Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all_.


End file.
